The Trial of an Ass – Exposing the Muddi

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[ Information | Investigation | Incrimination | Instigation | Insinuation ]

Dear scandalmongers,

With great pleasure we bring to you this issue of SBI, titled “The Trial of an Ass – Exposing the Muddi”.

But before we proceed with the narrative, here is some news. The yearbook
now also exists at the following location:
    http://www.cse.iitd.ernet.in/96/

You could use this link because my cse account is going to be deleted pretty soon.

Now let’s get back to the narrative…

Tantan.

Back in those days when we were freshers, there was one person highly unhappy with his nickname of Shaitan. (Sounds a lot like Sayontan, doesn’t it ?) Eager to make amends by giving someone a worse name, the Shaitan decided (as most do, when they are feeling down) to pick on Vamsi, who henceforth and hereafter will be referred to as “Muddi”. The etymology of “Muddi” is revealing. From Vamsi, you get “Bum See” (which is how Dr. Kundu addresses the Muddi) – from which we derive “Muddi”, the Telugu term for “Bum” (also the Telugu term for “Ass”, if you know what I mean). Such a public allusion to such a private part!

We have all suffered the Muddi of the batch for four years, for which the Muddi deserves rigorous punishments. SBI is happy to report that the Muddi was finally brought to trial in a special court. We tried to make the judge as impartial as possible, lest his decisions be governed by preconceived notions. Many thanks to all who participated in the exercise. We now take you to the courtroom for live coverage of the trial.

Venue: Scandal(ou)s Court for Trial of Asses

Judge: Rohit Kate – (You will agree with us that the judge is indeed impartial. We only wanted to show Kate a glimpse of the Muddi he will bear at UTA).
Accused: Muddi (alias V. Vamsi Krishna, alias Vamsi, alias Vutukuroo. Like all underworld criminals, the Muddi loves having aliases).
Defence Counsel:

1. Harsh Nanda (HN) – The most feared advocate of crime, a favourite with criminals seeking liars, oops! lawyers.
2. Dinakar Srinivas Rao (Dinki) – The only person who can see some good in the Muddi, though he uses a microscope for that.

Prosecution team:

1. Shuchi Chawla (Sue) – The IBM trainees, Muddi included, are well aware that she is an expert on suing. We are pleased that the fairer sex has got an oppurtunity to rag Muddi (and boy! do they rag!)
2. Zensaab (Zen) – Also known as Sachin Jain, a devious Nanda-baiter. He has suffered more than most, having to bear Muddi in the AI lab when Muddi hadn’t bathed for over a month./li>

Present in the court as spectators are several of Muddi’s colleagues. In the front row, Asheesh Chanda has assembled Dumir, Munshi, KNV (wingmates of the Muddi), Haldar, Agni, Khan, Surendar Reddy.

HN (Nanda): Your honour, I would like to point out that the prosecutors have needlessly brought the accused to court. My Muddi is blameless, truly, he is more blameless than me.

Zen (Zensaab): Haan, tere se jyada blameless to hoga hi. Tere muqabley ka ab tak koi paida hi nahi hua hai.

Kate (banging his gavel): Order, Order! Counsels are requested to shut up and not speak out of turn. Let the charges against the accused be read.

Shuchi (Sue): The first charge is that Muddi is a a fraudy in a fighter’s clothing.

Kate: Hee hee hee. Muddi, tujhe kuchh kahna hai kya?

(The Muddi doesn’t know how to respond. Dinki intervenes.)

Dinki: Your honour, we plead not guilty. The Muddi has often been seen without any clothing, much less a fighter’s clothing. Hence, this charge is false.

Zen: Tere pass kya saboot hai ?

HN: Saboot ki kya zaroorat hai ? Maine khud apni aankhon se dekha hai apni Muddi ko!

Muddi (in a shrill shriek): No your honour! Nanda has never seen my Muddi. Kindly let Dinki produce more reputable witnesses.

Kate: Objection sustained. Dinki, tere wing se koi saboot hai ?

Dinki: Yes, Your Honour. I would like to call Munshi to testify.

(Munshi comes to the witness box).

Munshi: Ishwar ko sakshi mante hue main shapat leta hoon ki main jo bhi kahoonga sach kahoonga, sach ke siwa kuchh nahin kahoonga.

Dinki: Munshi, kya yeh sach hai ki tumne Muddi ki muddi dekhi hai?

Munshi: Haan. Hamare poore wing ne dekhi hai. Aksar dekhni padti hai.

Zen: Your Honour, this witness is drunk. Iski baat par court ko yakin nahin karna chahiye.

Dinki: Your Honour, I would like to call KNV to support Munshi’s testimony

(KNV comes to the witness box, and takes the oath. Munshi leaves, burping contentedly)

Kate: KNV, please tell the court when you first saw Muddi’s muddi.

KNV: Your Honour, it was way back in our 7th semester, when Muddi had last gone to bathe. When he returned from the bathroom, Devraj Dutta was lying in wait, and caught hold of Muddi’s
towel.

Dinki: KNV, please tell the court what happenned next.

KNV: Muddi ran off to his room, leaving his towel in Dutta’s hands and his muddi exposed to the world!

(Laughter from the Muddi’s wingmates, as they recall the incident).

Zen (dejectedly): Theek hai, you can return to your seat.

Kate: Theek hai, so Muddi is not a fraudy in a fighter’s clothing. He is only a fraudy in no clothing. Anything else?

Muddi: Your Honour, I would like to say something. I would like to sue the SBI for conferring on me the “Hansie Cronje Award for being a fraudie in a fighter’s clothing.”

HN (enthusiastically): Yes, Your Honour. As part of the damages I demand to be allowed to break an egg on Vaibhav’s nose.

Sue (protesting): No, Your Honour. Only the Muddi should be seeking damages from SBI, not HN.

Kate (after some thought): Yeh kya ho raha hai ? Theek hai, SBI is to pay damages to Muddi. HN can break an egg on Vaibhav’s nose at Convo. What is the next charge ?

Sue (casually): Muddi is an Ass.

(The court is aghast. Even Chanda is stunned into silence. It is not that they disagree with Sue, but they are shocked by the careless finality with which she read out the charge. It was a full five minutes after which an awed voice from the back of the court broke the silence with, “Maar li Muddi ki.” This was not recorded in the proceedings.)

Zen: Your Honour, this is a very true statement. Aap sirf Muddi ki shakal dekhiye, don’t you think he is an Ass?

Dinki: Milord, I again have a witness to call.

Kate (enjoying the proceedings): Bule le, bula le.

Dinki: I would like to call Lachhu.

(Lachhu enters the witness box)

Lachhu: Mein jo bhi kahoonga sach kahoonga, sach ke siwa aur kuchh nahin kahoonga.

Dinki: You are Lakshman Bhargaw, 96 entry, Chemical Dept.?

Lachhu: Yes.

Dinki: What was the last remak you made to Muddi?

Lachhu: “Muddi, tu ek bahut bada l*** hai.”

(Pandemonium breaks out in the court. In the front row, Khan, Reddy and Agni have are in splits of laughter. Haldar is shaking with peals of laughter, causing the front bench to vibrate dangerously. There are cheers and clapping from all the spectators. A section of IBM trainees is chanting “Muddi M*******d!”, while Muddi’s wingmates are shouting “Lachhu Zindabad!”. The judge is looking helpless and confused, as if he has been asked to decipher a Maheshwarian proof of the undecidability of the Post Correspondence Problem.)

Kate (utterly confused): Yeh kya ho raha hai ? Mujhe to kuchh samajh mein nahin aa raha hai. Muddi ek saath muddi aur l*** kaise ho sakta hai? Ek kaam karo, yeh KT se poochh lo ki Muddi muddi hai ya l***. KT in maamlon mein expert hai.

(Despite repeated attempts, the prosecutors were unable to summon KT to the witness box to answer this puzzling question. Later, KT confirmed to SBI that he had discovered a polynomial time 7/10 approximation algorithm by which a creature could become both a Muddi and a l***. “It’s the most obscene, perverted problem I’ve encountered”, he confessed – Editors)

Kate – Next charge?

Sue – Muddi is a sultry seducer.

(Again, the courtroom is aghast by the shocking boldness of the charge. And again, it is not that they don’t agree!)

HN – Woh sultry to ho hi nahin sakta, bhale hi seducer kyon na ho.

Zen – Iska ka kya matlab hai? Muddi mahine mein ek baar bhi nahata hai, to pasine aur badbooh mein sultry to hoga hi.

HN – Theek hai, maine kab kaha tha ki woh sultry nahin hai? Maine to sirf itna kaha tha ki Muddi seducer ho hi nahin sakta, bhale hi sultry kyon na ho?

Zen – Woh seducer bhi hai aur sultry bhi. I would like to show a picture of Devraj Dutta of Jwalamukhi in an intimate position with Muddi.

(Courtroom has a look at the incriminating evidence. Then…)

Court (in chorus) – Muddi M**** ***d!!

HN – Theek hai, maine kab mana kiya tha ki Muddi sultry seducer nahin hai?

Dinki – But your honour, Muddi has never been able to impress a single girl – either in the department or outside. How can he be called a sultry seducer?

Zen – Nahin, your honour. Aisi baat nahin hai. I would like to call upon Dummy as my witness.

(Dummy comes to the witness box)

Dummy – I am the Godfather. I always speak the truth. Main koi shapath nahin le raha.

Zen – Tu bata ki tere wing mein aise kya hua tha jisse yeh sabit hota hai ki Muddi ek sultry seducer hai.

Dummy – Usne Munshi ka haath maarne ki fight maari thi. Bechara Munshi Devdaas ke tarah bhatakta rah gaya, apne pyar ki khoj mein.

Kate (duly impressed) – Theek hai. Any other charges?

(Silence in the court …)

Kate (with decision) – Tamaam gawahon ke bayaanon ko dhyan mein rakhte hue adaalat is nateeje pe pahunchi hai ki Mujrim Muddi kasoorwar hai. Isliye jo bhi chahta hai, woh Muddi ko bumps de sakta hai.
(Pause)
SBI is to pay damages to Muddi, of the order of 50 million.

HN (excitedly): Dollars or rupees? Or eggs?

Kate: Bumps!

Courtroom: Muddi ko bumps!

(… As reported by Vaish and Tantan for SBI, with special thanks to all the party involved)

Scandalously yours,